When your child doesn’t listen it can feel like it’s personally against you and that your child is disrespectful. In this post, I’m sharing how you can get into a much more empowering mindset when you have a child not listening so you can show up as the mom you want to be.
These phrases will be the most helpful if you have an empowered mindset and lens through which you’re perceiving your kids. So, before we dive into the phrases, here is a list of mantras to repeat to yourself before your respond to your kids.
Mantras To Stay Calm When Your Child Doesn’t Listen
Here are 15 mantras to stay regulated, loving, sturdy, and curious when your child doesn’t listen:
This isn’t to upset me.
Multiple things are true: my child is respectful and he’s not listening.
This isn’t about me.
I can handle this.
My child is independent and knows what he wants and that’s a good thing.
There can be hard moments in great days.
My kid is a good kid inside.
Of course it’s hard to stop doing what he’s doing, I wouldn’t want to stop either.
My child and I are on the same team and we will navigate this.
I can cope with this.
I can help my child do what needs to be done while staying calm and connected.
Nothing has gone wrong, this is a phase, and we will get through this.
This is the part where my child is learning new listening skills. It’s taking longer than I thought, and that’s okay.
I have a really good kid inside, and I wonder what’s going on for him?
I am important, I matter, and so do my kids.
Phrases To Use When Your Child Doesn’t Listen
Once you’re calm, you can then use these 15 phrases when your child doesn’t listen:
Say, “you’re a really good kid and I understand you’re feeling upset and that is valid, but we’re still doing xyz.”
Instead of saying “please stop doing xyz” say, “I won’t let you do xyz” [fill in the xyz with what you don’t want them to do]. This focuses on parenting instead of trying to control them. (Example: I won’t let you have more iPad time right now.)
Say, “I know you’re enjoying [whatever it is they’re doing], but it’s time to pause so we can [what you want them to do next.]. This validates their experience (connection before correction).
Say, “I know you don’t want to stop doing [whatever they’re doing], and I get that. But it’s time to stop so we can do xyz.” This acknowledges them before making an ask.
Say, “you don’t have to want to do xyz, you just have to do it.” (Example: you don’t have to want to go to school, you just have to go.) This helps them learn how to do things they don’t want to do in the moment.
When your child wants to do something unsafe, say, “I know you want to do xyz, but it’s my job to keep you safe and I won’t let you do xyz.” (Example: standing on counter.)
When you need to keep your child safe (example: in a crowded place), say, “I’m going to hold your hand to keep you safe, and it’s okay if you don’t like that but that’s what we’re doing.”
Say, “I know this is hard for you right now. I get that. And this is what we’re doing.”
When your child is resisting what you’re asking, acknowledge by saying, “there’s something you don’t like about this or that doesn’t feel good to you, and I want you to know I believe you.”
Say, “whatever is going on for you is valid, and I want you to know that we still have rules. I respect you and these are the rules.”
For more cooperation, say, “I wonder if there’s anything we can come up with together to make this easier. What do you think?
When you insist on an action your child doesn’t want to take, reinforce that this is not to punish them by saying, “this is what we’re doing, and it’s okay you don’t want to, and you’re not in trouble. This is just what we’re doing.”
Say, “I get that it’s so hard to be a kid and feel controlled all the time. I understand.”
Say, “Doing things you don’t want to do is a skill that is really hard even for adults sometimes, so I get that this feels hard for you.”
Say, “You can feel [feeling] about this, but we’re still doing it.” This validates their feelings and holds boundaries. (Example: You can feel angry about going outside but we’re still going out.)
