Keeping the spark alive in your marriage after having kids is no small task. If you’re like many of my clients who want to be the best mom they can be, it may look like all your attention, time, energy, and resources go to your kids. This means that the effort that used to go to your relationship is largely reduced.
1. Set an intention.
Instead of waiting until the next season when you “have more time” decide now to set an intention to keep the spark alive. This means simply stating the affirmation, “I intend to keep the spark alive in my marriage.”
What you focus on expands. By setting an intention to prioritize keeping the spark alive, you’re focusing on it, which means you’re more likely to look for ways to create this very result. It doesn’t take much more than that for this strategy to work!
2. Get out of the house.
With kids, the house can become a place that feels like family and safety. This is really amazing for having kids, but it doesn’t exactly scream sexy, particularly when you think of all the to-dos staring at you in the face like laundry, cleaning, etc. To combat this, get out of the house to keep the spark alive. This can mean going out to dinner, taking a walk, going to a concert, or doing something else you and your spouse enjoy outside of the demands of running a family. When in doubt, get out!
3. Practice self care.
When you take care of yourself, you’re so much more likely to keep the spark alive. You’ll feel good about yourself and that is magnetic.
For example, when I shower, put on real clothes, do my hair and makeup I’m so much more likely to feel energized and good, making it much more likely for me to want to connect with my husband. When I don’t shower, stay in sweats, and haven’t washed my hair in a week, the last thing I’m thinking about is being romantic.
Taking care of yourself is personal. I teach six types of self care that you can choose from. While you don’t have to be doing everything all the time, the more you’re able to take care of yourself, the more likely you’ll want to give to your marriage. (As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup!)
Take a break to take care of yourself and it will be much easier to keep the spark alive in your marriage.
4. Find ways to miss each other.
It’s easier to desire your spouse when you miss him. Yet, with managing a family and home it’s likely that you’re spending a lot of time together. If this is the case, find a way to spend time apart so you can miss your spouse. Get together with a girlfriend or go out and do a hobby—something that takes your mind off your spouse. Then when you come back home, it’ll be much more likely you’ll miss him and missing him will create more desire and attraction. You’ll be less likely to bicker, too!
5. Give your spouse something in his love language.
It’s easy to focus on what we want in our own love language (for me that’s words and gifts) but what’s really magical is when you can step outside of what you want and give your spouse love in his preferred love language.
My husband, Steve, is a big fan of quality time, specifically experiences. The first year we were dating I took him out on a helicopter ride for his birthday. To this day he still talks about how amazing that experience was for him. This was me getting him something in his love language, and he loved it!
6. Smile.
Smiling is so simple but incredibly powerful. It brings kindness to your face and softens you. With the day-to-day demands of motherhood and running a household, this is incredibly powerful for breaking any tension and keeping some flirting in your marriage.
Smile and be a little flirty to keep the spark alive in your every day life. You won’t regret it!
7. Work with a marriage coach.
Contrary to popular opinion, couples counseling rarely works and it’s something I don’t recommend. Here’s why. It’s typically one person in the couple who wants to do it while the other doesn’t, then it’s each person making their “case” to a third party, neutral therapist, all while each person hopes they side with their side of things. It’s about trying to get the other person to change instead of focusing on what you have control over. It rarely is effective and often leads to separation and divorce.
Instead, I recommend marriage coaching, which focuses on improving your connection and intimacy tools and skills so you can change your marriage without needing your spouse to change. Your spouse will likely end up changing, too, but he won’t be forced into it. Instead, he’ll be responding to you differently because you’ll be different. It works incredibly well.