The journey of motherhood is filled with incredible highs and challenging lows. One of those lows often comes when, in a moment of frustration or stress, a yell slips out. The aftermath? Guilt.
While this isn’t our best nor our ideal parenting, it is something that happens to all moms, and because of that, it’s worth knowing what to do after you yell.
Step 1: Acknowledge the guilt
When that yell escapes you, it’s normal to feel a wave of guilt. The guilt can be suffocating, but it’s also a sign of your deep care and commitment to being a loving parent. Embrace that guilt; it’s a stepping stone towards growth.
Say to yourself, “this is guilt and that’s okay. I am not a bad mom, I am a mom who yelled and will repair to make it better.”
By naming the guilt, you get awareness around it. You see that you are not the guilt. That you are still good inside. You separate out your actions from your identity. This reduces shame and makes it easier to repair.
Step 2: Give yourself self compassion
When you’re feeling guilty after you yell, it can be easy to slip into negative self talk.
It sounds like beating yourself up for yelling—”I can’t believe I did that” or “my kids deserve so much better” or “I’m such a bad mom.”
Being mean to yourself doesn’t help you stop yelling. It only creates more shame. It’s punishing yourself, which means you don’t understand the root cause of why you yell, nor how to stop yelling. I.e.: it is completely counter productive!
To reduce the chance of this, give yourself self compassion. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Place your hand on your heart and say, “I love my kids and I love me. I will navigate this and I’m still a good mom.” When you approve of yourself, you’re much more likely to apologize and connect with your kids. When you disapprove of yourself, you’re more likely to go to shame and disconnection. For this reason, self compassion is enormously helpful!
Step 3: Calm down
Take a moment, breathe, and recalibrate. Your ability to find your center sets the tone for the resolution that follows. If you try to repair from a place of feeling dysregulated, it will be much harder and less effective.
You may need to leave the room, take a short walk, or simply take deep breaths. Check in with your body and wait for it to feel calm inside.
Step 4: Allow your child to calm down
Respect your child’s emotions as much as your own. Give them space if needed and assure them that it’s okay to feel upset. Creating a safe environment for them to express themselves is crucial. You can still hold boundaries while allowing emotions.
For example, you might say, “you can feel upset but I won’t let you hit mommy.” This way, you’re teaching and modeling that all feelings are welcome but all actions are not.
Stay with your child to help them regulate, so they know you’re not signaling that their feelings are bad. I like to think the mantra, “your big feelings don’t scare me.” This allows me to get even closer during their dysregulation to help them get to calm.
Step 5: Repair
Repair is the process of apologizing after you yell. If there’s one skill I think is the most important to moms it’s this one. Why? Because we’re all human, which means we’ll all make mistakes. When you make a mistake, being able to overcome shame and blame so you can repair in a meaningful way is the secret to having strong relationships with your kids.
Here’s the process of repair:
1. Invite your child to talk
This can be casual, in private, when you’re both feeling calm.
2. Connect with them
Create a connection with your child before apologizing by focusing on them and making sure they feel comfortable and seen.
3. Apologize and own it.
This means saying you’re sorry without any excuse.
For example, an excuse would sound like, “I’m so sorry I yelled. I didn’t mean to. My boss called me right before I saw you and told me bad news, so I was really upset.”
Don’t do this! Don’t use any sort of excuse to justify your actions. Instead, be straightforward and clear in your apology.
For example, you might say something like, “I’m so sorry I yelled. That was my fault. It was nothing you did. I am going to continue to work on stopping yelling.”
With this apology, you are owning that you’re the reason you yelled. You’re not using an excuse and you’re not blaming them. You’re taking ownership of your actions.
